It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
You Might Also Like
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”