College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
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FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
A dad and his duck
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
🤣🤣🤣
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
😅🤣😂
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
The Sun’s probably Asian.