calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
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I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*