Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
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moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Raisins are grape jerky.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
DOOO EEEET
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”