Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
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If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
How software testing works
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale