I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
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everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.