Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
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[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.