Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
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I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”