*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
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confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”