Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
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How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Pandas 🐼🖤
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.