I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
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Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
This is a true ally.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.