A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
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*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
A great tip. #CakeRex
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
I wish I could veto my bills.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
pls suprot
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.