Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
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VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Not all heroes wear capes….
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.