Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
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[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
A couple who are silly together stay together.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
You look like you would fail a DNA test
I don’t make the rules sorry
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.