How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
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[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
If I ignore life will it go away?
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.