Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
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someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS