i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
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*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.