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Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.