God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
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Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.