So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
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“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.