H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
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Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
I am all good here, 😂😉
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.