I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
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Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop