I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
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me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
can’t wait til they legalize outside
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.