Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
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This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Dead sexy!!
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now