Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
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ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha