Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
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When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés