Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
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I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Realize this:
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.