My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
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My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday