*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
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Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth