If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
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It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
adding to the discourse
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.