My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
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I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
birds and squirrels envy us
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.