If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
You Might Also Like
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
I like long walks away from everyone
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.