Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
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I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Called it
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago