Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
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I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more