Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
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roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE