Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
You Might Also Like
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
#SaturdayBears
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.