I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
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I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Basketball games are very squeaky.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?