I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
You Might Also Like
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
What personal space?
My dog
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.