My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
You Might Also Like
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.