scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
You Might Also Like
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it