Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
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Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
S M O L
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.