[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
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i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.