When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
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(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes