Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
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“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett