“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
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“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
OH. COME. ON.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.