The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
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I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog