Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
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Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
cause of death:
autopsy.
Bill is short for Billiam
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.