I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
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ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad