*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
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*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
*launders Kohls cash*
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.