[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
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What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*